Note: The following may contain adult content and/or adult language, be advised. Be very advised.
To whom it may concern,
I’ve grown up with your family of products and remember the thrill as far back as about 1971. Since my bedroom was somewhat below ground, moisture and mold were always a problem. Not with your aerosol fueled disinfectant, it was all good in a matter of seconds.
As I aged, it helped to calm the smoky goodness of the reefer. But that was short lived, just made me hungry and paranoid. I’ve got enough of both, naturally. I spent time talking to and learning from other people who enjoyed the cleaners. It wasn’t long before I had a good supply of the best my local grocery could offer, I had it all.
I remember working for ComputerLand back in the early 1980s I visited some kind of convention for Facilities Management. These are the fine folks that keep the core of our modern corporate building alive and working, or not. In any case, I ran across a new cleaner, Simple Green. It was touted as being better than the conventional cleaners, such as 409. I’m willing to try anything once. I did, also went through my orange cleaner phase too. But after all was said and done, I went back to 409 and never looked back. Oh wait, Fantastic I kinda enjoyed too.
Fast forward to modern times.
Alrighty then, one fine morning finds our plucky hero at the grocery store to buy trash bags. You know the ones, they got a red drawstring, about 12 gallons or so, white. I made my purchase and weebled my way home. Open box to install freshy fresh and what do we find? It fucking stinks! Flip the box over and it turns out these are my bags, but they have “Odor Control”. This means they stink, my kitchen stinks and it makes me fume everytime I walk in to or around my kitchen. What the fucking hell is wrong with you people? I know it might make sense to someone to make your garbage bags stink so you can’t smell your garbage. But what happens is that now your garbage not only smells, but it stinks like that damned bag too! And you know what? If your fucking garbage stinks? Take it the fuck out of the goddamn kitchen and thow it in the can outside. Are you that fucking stupid? Oh please, answer that one, won’t you?
Next I ran out of my ol’ faithful spray multi-purpose cleaner. Back to the store! I know just what I’m looking for cause I been buying it for 36 years. Looks the same! And yet, with the first feeble spray some Fresh Ocean Floral Scent flies up my nose like a herd of 400 year old camels with tick infested death mange. FUCKING HELL MAN !!! Now every damned surface of my kitchen and wonderous 1952 Wedgewood gas range is covered in this shit. Fresh scent my shiny metal ASS. I don’t need this and I certainly don’t want this. You know what? If your kitchen smells, clean it. Don’t schmear it with some stanky ass shit that comes out of a fucking glass jar. “Oh look at me! I’m smearing the walls with baby shit! It’s the latest thing, ain’t it great?” I hope to find you in a grave with a jar of fresh scent stuck up your ass.
And my good readers, here was the catalyst for this pissy rant. I accidentally bought a second container of Dawn, whoops. It happens, too bad it’s such a large container though. Please go take a look at the image above. I’ll wait, go ahead … no, click on the image and get a larger view. Can you see any difference between those two containers? I surely didn’t and after closer inspection, still nothing.
Yeah, well I refilled my Soap Action container and used a squeeze. Up from the kitchen sink it flew, a stench so foul, a sneak attack! Those fuckers didn’t even bother putting “Stanky ass perfumed version of what you used to love” on it. Nada. One bottle of soap is as it was and the other? A French whore’s ASS. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just giving you an idea here. And I don’t have carnal knowledge of a French whore’s ass, just for the record. Hmm.
I don’t enjoy public transportation for the same reason. I don’t want to smell your cologne, perfume, sexy body spray or whatever. I bathe every day, I keep my house clean, even the bathroom. I do just fine thank you and would really appreciate it if you, my dear marketing person would keep your puffy, blistered, foul ass nose out of my home! And as a parting thought, fuck you. You’ve ruined one of my private, pure joys in life.
Biggles
I have left the building
Sort’a like people using that “pine scent” or some other “mask” in the bathroom to cover up the oderus accomplishments from yesterdays amazing meal.
All that really gets accomplished is to give the throan room the smell of “taking a dump” on a pine log or in a meadow of flowers!
Just open up the window and or turn on the fan!
The only thing that a fake scent is good for is giving a fake scent to wherever it’s used!
Big D
Did you watch the Dr Bronner’s Magic Soap movie yet?
That’s a real thrill ride!
Amen to that brother!
I’ve gone back to the ammonia-white vineger-baking soda mix, myself.
And don’t get me started on liquid soap; no coconut in the world has ever smelled like that.
My cat after getting skunked has smelled better.
I am nearly rolling off my chair in laughter, ’cause I am nodding my head in agreement with everything you just said! Goes hand in hand with those dumb swatches of stinky goo in magazines and sometimes in the Sunday paper throw-aways!
Go GET ‘EM Doc!
Craned my neck till it was paralyzed yesterday, looking for Tide Free — that means laundry soap with no perfumes or extra chems. None. Nada. Zilch. There were probably ten different other choices in scents, strengths, w/without bleach — but none of what I have depended on for my way sensitive nose (like yours) and Celtic skin. It is getting harder and harder. I sometimes go back inside my house when my neighbor is doing her laundry because the smell from her variously perfumed soaps and additives are vented my way. Feh…..Have you thought of a black iron washpot over an open fire, making soap from (YES!) meat tallow and lye???
Fuck yeah! Wait…….No, no, I mean F U C K E R S !!!! Messin’ with yer suds! What the fuck?
Sometimes you just have to call it the way it is, which is something we ALL need to do more of. Great post Rev.
Peace out……..or fuck off, or whatever.
D
Hey Everyone!
Kudz,
M used to make soap, lye & olive oil. Just finiahed the last of it a month ago or so. Hands down it was the best bar soap I’ve ever used. Cleaned excellent, rinsed right off.
And don’t get me started on the neighbor’s dryer vent and dryer sheets. They rerouted it a few years ago. Now the prevailing winds 2 sides of the house get blasted. If I walk out the front door I get blasted. If I don’t close the windows, not only do I get the odor, but I get lint as well! Early on, after about a week I’d find dryer lint floating in the corners of the house. Even get it in the electric vent fan for the bathroom! Sigh.
Biggles
You said it all. Hear Hear!
you are so right, the over scenting of cleaning products makes me so upset. who needs those fake stinky things anywhere near their body, homes, noses.
and here is one that you probably have no experience with and that would be scented feminine hygiene products. who the fuck needs that? and just like your bottle of soap, there is nothing on the packaging to indicate the product is scented.
Yay! Ranty-rant.
My favorite cologne is made for children (French, no alcohol) and smells like grapefruit. You might not mind it.
As for neighbors’ stinky dryer vents? I’m in deep chemical land here, pew. I don’t even know what that smell is supposed to be. She makes her kids wear it. Ew.
But what about bacon scented dryer sheets?
Once, a few years back and for a very short time, Dawn made a clear, unscented version of their dish soap. I guess it didn’t sell too well. I wish now that I had bought a lifetime supply. I like Dawn for grease, works great, but yeah, it stinks. No lye.
No,jlee, not a bacon scented dryer sheet, but you’re on the right track. What you need to do is just toss a slice of bacon into the dryer with the stuff. Shit, depending on how the thing is vented, and in what direction the wind is a blowin’, not only will the house and clothes smell good, but so will the whole neighborhood as well.
I like Arm and Hammer laundry detergent for just that reason – no scent! And dryer sheets – ugh! Bounce is best for almost no scent. Rant on!
That’s an intersting thought Chandler and jlee! I just put on my clothes and within a ahort amount of time they will smell of bacon. I cannot figure it out.
Rev,
A truly masterful rant. I stand in awe.
This is one of the best rants I’ve read in a long time, and I’m with you 100%. I don’t want my house or my clothes or my car or my person to smell like anything!!! Unscented all the way and, if something starts to smell, clean it!
Amen!
A-freakin’-men.
I just about pass out if I ever have to go down the aisle in the store that has all that stuff.
Yep, that’s how I feel on about 90% of everything.
Good job, Biggles. You’re getting the hang of this blog thing.
I’m convinced the over-saturation of our sensory faculties is partly to blame for the increasing allergy issues. I’ve never had allergy problems much, but now days I get headaches when I smell too much perfume, overly scented products, etc. I’ve switched to homemade laundry soap, scented only with tiny amounts of essential oils, homemade cleaning products as well.